IT'S ALL HAPPENING...

hands and feet.

2006-03-08T23:05:00.000-08:00

so im supposed to go back to africa in just about two months...and im honestly beginning to freak out. its not that i want to go, i do more than anything. its just that i seriously dont know if i can emotionally take it. the only thing i have to offer those kids is my heart that is broken for them and a whole lot of tears...and im not sure that is what they need or want.

im still completely perplexed about what happened to me when i was over there and the events that followed when i came home. i know a lot of people that have been on missions trips, and i can honestly say that ive never witnessed anything like it. the whole trip is sitting in my brain like a tangled ball of yarn and i still can find the end so that i can begin to detangle it. talking about it doesnt sort anything out. im pretty sure ive told every story there is. and besides, everytime i try to talk i always have to stop because i start to cry.

all i know is that i have this ache in my heart. this burden. and its not going away. and i dont know what to do with it.

i have no doubt in my mind that this trip is going to be even more amazing than the last time. God is going to do great things. as a matter of fact sarah had this premonition that some bad guys were going to break into the orphanage and start doing bad guy things, she didnt clarify what the "bad guy things" were though because she snapped out of it before she could get any furthur, but still, even that totally pumps me up. i would be more than happy to throw my life down for any one of those kids. and if i were held captive or something im pretty sure i wouldnt mind that either, i would get to witness to the bad guys like paul so that they could know jesus too. plus i would get to stay in africa longer, and hopefully have the opportunity to eat a lot more rice and beans. but anyway, im pretty sure nothing bad is going to happen over there, i just let my mind wander with that one. i honestly am just really scared about what happens to me when i have to come home again. do i fall apart again? do i force myself to forget it all again so that i can function? do i force myself to stay in school even though my heart is on the other side of the world? im not really sure...and only future can tell.

i need to stop freaking out, and just trust that God has a plan for me and that i need to just let it happen. im real good at worrying to much about the future, and attempting to manipulate it so that i can get my way sooner. i should totally stop.

when we are both cats.

2006-02-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

there is this group of girls at sevenoseven that recently gave their lives to christ, and i dont know them personally but i often look at their myspace pages. they write these wonderful blogs about how much they love jesus and how he is changing their lives and how wonderful he is. then as i scroll down their comments, i see that they are constantly are encouraging each other to grow deeper in christ. and for some reason i cant get this out of my mind... because they have something that i dont have.

somewhere along the way, im not sure when, i lost the passion that every new christian has. you know that feeling like you are exploding with the love and joy of jesus, and he is all you can think and talk about. and i know that it is normal to come off that spiritual high or whatever, but for some reason i can hardly even talk about jesus anymore, especially to non-christians. like i said, im not sure when, but i just got so jaded and cynical. is it that i got sick of getting so much crap for being a christian, that i decided to hide it so no one would know? is it that i listened to one to many talks on "how to evangelize" and realized that they were so ridiculous so i stopped "evangelizing" all together? have i had one to many talks with people about what it means to follow christ and felt like a failure when they didnt want to believe in him? have i heard one to many "god is telling me to do this" stories and then the next month seen them doing something totally different than what they "heard" god say? did i just get sick of all my own hypocracies that i decided to stop talking about it because i felt ashamed? have i simply read one to many books that go against the grain of what i have been taught all these years? or did africa just mess me up so good that nothing can ever compare to what i experienced there so i just brush off american christianity as ridiculous?

im not really sure what the answer is...all i know is that when i say things like "when i got saved, or when i gave my life to christ, or just give it to god" i feel like bashing my head in the wall. i hate "christianese," and i hate that i dont know how to speak without using the cliche lines that all christians seem to say...and so ive just resorted to not talking about it at all. i want to be able to talk to people about jesus like he is the best thing ever...because he is. i want to wear my faith on my sleeve again...not hidden deep down inside of me. i want to change.
i want a lot of things to change.

beaten and not yet killed

2006-01-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

one of the greatest struggles in my life is that i always find it necessary to find things out for myself. i dont like to take people's advice. i like to test and prove theories to make sure that they are accurate or not. the problem with this is that when people give me advice, it's usually because they have learned from their own mistake and only want to help. so i have a tendency to be stupidly stubborn and learn things the hard way, which is pretty much the story of my life. but not only is this a problem because i cause myself a lot of unnecessary pain, but it's also a huge spiritual problem. when God tells me no...not only do i question his authority and doubt that he knows what he's doing, but i find myself trying to strike deals with him. i say "ok God, if you do this this and this, in x amount of time, THEN i will let you do what you want" and so when i remember that God isnt in the business of striking deals, then i try and find ways around what he's telling me. i start becoming more secretive and i strategically tell certain people certain things while leaving that information out when talking to others. and in my head for some reason i believe that if i can hide what im doing and can master the art of deception with people, well then maybe, just maybe i can pull it over on God.

and so the past few weeks i have been doing just this and ive been figuring out a simple lesson the hardest way imaginable. and im pretty sure that God is looking down on me laughing, saying, "if you want to do this the hard way then fine...im just gonna start calling you out on a whole bunch of other stuff too"

a long time ago God gave me a definite no regarding something and ive been fighting him for a really long time about it, refusing to drop the issue. the problem comes and goes, but recently re-surfaced and so for the past few weeks i have been teetering on the fence weighing the pros and cons of each direction i could go, and in the process i have beaten myself up like you would not even believe.

and the problem is that when people tell me "kristi, just stop"...i hardly even know what to do with that statement, because ive realized that the problem is so much greater than just stopping the surface level thing (like i said before God's dealing with me regarding a whole bunch of stuff). so stopping the "thing" really isn't taking care of the problem at all because it will just show up in a different form next time. and so when people tell me to "just stop," that registers in my brain as "kristi you need to just need to give this to God and start trusting and that he has so much more for you, and you need to stop questioning authority and just listen to what your told the first time you hear it, and you need to stop feeling the need for control, and stop playing the martyr, and i need to stop being to secretive when i get myself into trouble, and stop lying and manipulating and playing games, and stop being self-destructive, and stop being so selfish, and i need to let myself be held accountable, and let God fill the voids in my life, and to let myself accept grace and accept that i am loved unconditionally by God and numerous people, and i need to recognize that God can take better care of people than i can." and so thats a basic list of some of the things i have been trying to process all at the same time...and thats not even the half of it. and ive been destroying myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually because i have been trying to do this on my own. ive been so pissed off at God because ive been so narrow minded, that i havent been able to pray and say anything nice or thankful in days. the only thing that comes out of me when trying to pray are swear words and a lot of tears. and i think thats ok. and i think ive almost reached my breaking point. and i think that soon enough ill hop on off this fence and accept the grace that has been give to me. and soon enough ill allow myself to get over myself.

ask me again.

2006-01-06T02:28:00.000-08:00

there is nothing worse than trying to write when there is miserable music playing. well actually, there are a lot worse things that could happen, but let me tell you, it is near impossible to write anything coherent when there is "under the boardwalk" playing in the backround.
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for those of you that don't know, i compost. but not a backyard composting pile, i have a nice sophisticated (and by that i mostly mean ventilated and expensive) little bin of worms that i keep in my garage and they are making me some beautiful organic soil. i'm not really sure what i'm going to do with the soil since neither i nor my mother garden, but hopefully one day i will meet a gardener or farmer or someone that i can donate my wonderful soil to. anyway, i set up my worm bin about 4 months ago, and wasn't really sure what to expect. i read half of a book about how to effectively do it, but then figured that i knew what i was doing so it was a waste of time to finish it. recently i've started to get a little nervous that the bin wasn't looking the way it should, and so i read the rest of the book tonight and realized that my worm bin is actually doing marvelous. i have a pound and a half of fat little worms that are making me some good soil. and that makes me really happy!
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a combination of my own convictions, andy's message at 707, and rob bell's book "velvet elvis" have been pounding into my brain and reminding me of the neccessity for emotional walls (fig leaves) to be taken down in order to exist in community. and its funny, that the more i let my guards down, the more insecure i feel, and the more i realize that the issues actually go a lot deeper than what i ever would have thought. i keep catching myself reacting in certain ways, saying certain things, and making jokes when things get a little too serious, and im beginning to realize why i do these things and its all really difficult to break the habits. its crazy how the mind and body war against the heart and soul.

and its scary ya know, because if and when i do become more undone, do i really want these people to know that im a lot less put together than what i seem to be?...and do i really want to open myself to rejection and pain when i could so easily close myself off and not care? but at the same time, can i ever truly be happy if i am not being real and honest with myself and others? and im pretty sure the answer is no, and so i intend to continue on my journey of becoming who i was originally intended to be, no matter how difficult of a process it may be.

first breath after coma

2005-12-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

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last night when my mom put my 10 year old brother to bed, he asked her to shut the door behind her because he needed to say a special prayer. i went in about a half hour later to give him a hug and kiss goodnight, and i asked him what he needed to pray for and he told me that he had prayed to accept Jesus into his heart. words can't describe how happy that makes me, and the fact that he has this amazing journey ahead of him at such a young age is so beautiful to me. i was raised in a church where they never taught me that there was a difference between believing in God and having a relationship with God. it wasn't until i had gone incredibly far astray and practically destroyed myself, that i stumbled upon my church, 707, and learned that there was so much more to christianity than just believing that Jesus loves me and died for me. i don't nessessarily regret the person that i let myself become, but it definitly would have saved me from a lot of pain if i had a savior in my life growing up. and so just knowing that my little brother gets it at such a young age, and has a chance to avoid making a lot of mistakes makes me really excited for the man he is going to become.
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i have to admit that 99% of the time i forget that i am not in control of my life. i spend a ridiculous amount of time, energy, and emotions into trying to figure myself out and plan my future. now don't get me wrong, it's great to take time to know who you and figure out what you are passionate about...but too far often i leave God out of the equation. sure i pray about my future and what i should do next...but that only goes so far, and most of the time i end up making really spur of the moment decisions (like deciding to go back to kent the weekend before classes start, or getting a job and then quitting the next day). i kind of just meander through life without a clue, just taking random roads and hoping that they will get me to wherever i am going. and the problem in this became very aware to me when i was driving with my friend Josh this week, and said something to the effect of "i like to drive and purposely get lost so that i learn where i am going the next time." and it hit my like a ton of bricks, that not only do i get lost all of the time, i usually still get lost again the next time...and that is the story of my life. i don't really have a clue. i just kind of throw up my arms and hope for the best most of the time.

and while i was thinking about how much time i have wasting trying to figure my life and plans out, God seemed to whisper in my ear and say, "you know, it'd be so much easier if you'd just stop trying to find yourself and focus on finding me." and then i had one of those moments where i kind of just laughed out loud and shook my head at myself. i've been an idiot. i've known all along that i should be seeking out Jesus and trying to know Him more intimately...but for some reason i don't always remember to do that. or i'll do it for a little while and get frustrated with the lack of immediate response and solution that i'm looking for, and resort back to my own plans. "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." man...the truth doesn't get much simpler than that. with the little experience i've had with following that verse, everything gets so much clearer and easier...why i don't take it to heart more often i have no idea. but i plan on making that a priority from now on because im so sick of being lost all of the time!
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kind of flowing from the same idea as the paragraphs above, and after realizing how not together i really am, comes a time of breaking old patterns and dying to myself so that i can be who i'm really meant to be. no more fly by the seat of my pants kristi. well maybe a little...but i defintely need to learn how to organize my life. a daily planner seems like a good investment. i bought one last year with every intention to use it...but i always make fun of people who find it nessessary to write down every aspect of their life. its funny though, that those people are the people who are always on time to things, and are always organized and on top of what they are supposed to be doing. i am definitly the opposite of them, but i think it would be beneficial to try and learn to become like one of them.

another change in my life that i have started to make, unconsciously actually, is that im letting walls down. my friend josh was in town this week and for the life of me i could not figure out why i was a nervous wreck around him. i could seriously barely even function around him. everyone tried telling me that it was just that had a crush on him, but i knew that wasn't really what was going on. yesterday it dawned on me, that it has everything to do with walls and the fact that they aren't up around my heart. and the fact that i wasn't trying to make myself someone that i'm not, or talk about things that i really don't care about, or do the things i do to purposely get guys to like me, or any of the fake things that i do to hide what's really going on. i was just nervous little me, feeling all vulnerable, and like i could burst into tears at any given moment out of discomfort....and it was great (after i realized what was going on).

to be emotionally free is quite possibly one of the best things to ever experience. to be able to feel, and to love, and to feel love, and to sacrifice, to trust, to take risks, and recognize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and to forgive and know that you are forgiven, to be vulnerable, and to embrace people and accept them for who they are no matter if you agree with them or not, and to just put yourself out there without the fear that you may get hurt...this is what life is all about.

living my life is often halted by my constant state of fear. i once had a friend tell me a japanese proverb that says, "action cures fear" and from what i've seen, its true. to me, if i can't experience any of the things i previously stated then there is no point to this life, because they are what make life worth living.

so here i am. vulnerable little me. bearing my heart for the world to see.

shedding my summer skin?

2005-11-28T00:30:00.000-08:00

saturday nights are the worst. they have become my designated night to be alone with myself and deal with all of my insecurities. the worst part about it is that ive discovered my biggest insecurity is being alone. so pretty much i just sit there holding my coffee cup to keep my hands warm and i look around at all of the people....and when i start thinking too much i get in my car and go to another coffee shop and do the same thing again, except the second time around i usually order tea. and im not going to lie, by the end of the night ive most likely made my way to a third coffee shop.

its not that im crazy or anything, its just that i spend so much of my time consumed in community and conversations and relationship hopping, that when i am finally all alone i have no idea what to do with myself.

im convinced that allowing myself to be alone is going to turn out to be a really healthy/healing thing. i dont need to be hanging out with a boy. i dont need to be rambling on and on in some conversation about how the season finale of laguna beach was awful, but how i cant wait for the hills to start. its all gotten old. all of the petty conversations. all of the nights i spent wondering if this guy would be the one that i marry.

ive recognized my need to just be alone for quite some time now...but for once im actually doing something about it. and yeah it sucks. but the me that comes out of this is going to be drastically improved. i am going to be confident in myself and my ability to function on my own. i will finally get rid of all the baggage that i shouldve dealt with a long time ago. and i will become whole. and it will be good. i cant wait.

blinded by heart

2005-11-23T00:55:00.000-08:00

last night i began to write a blog about what has been going on with me spiritually, but then i realized that it wasnt really the direction i wanted to take. i was focusing way too much on the negative, when all i really wanted to talk about all the positive things that have been happening. but to get some backround i actually have to start with the blog that i was going to post...so i began talking about what happened to me when i came home from africa...because that is where the story begins. i wrote about how i came home completely broken (which is phrasing it nicely). and about how more tears came out of my eyes in the first two months than have ever been shed in the past twenty years. i talked about my progression of thought, starting with utter confusion about what i had just seen and experienced. then about how the confusion turned into anger, and not just anger dude, i was pissed. i cursed God out and told him he had no idea what he was doing. i told him that if he was really such a great and loving God he wouldnt have let those innocent kids i had met be beaten and raped and thrown out in the streets. and then i talked about how my anger was then redirected towards the american church because in so many ways they (myself included) miss the boat. i began to strongly dislike christianity and the mold that so many people conform to, and for about a month wanted nothing to do with being associated with being a christian. it wasnt that i was denouncing my faith, i just realized that i was living this life of rules that the christian church set up for me, and i was blindly following them. and all i wanted was truth and freedom...i didnt want to feel like a bad christian anymore because i dont listen to CCM music, or because i dont talk in that soft spoken voice that so many christian women seem to speak in.

and so as im struggling with this, i started to hear God tell me to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and to just focus on what i should be doing, which is following what Jesus did in the gospels. and so i did. and that is what i want to let you know about. i mean i know i told you a little bit of the bad, but i want to let you know about how my life is changing not because of the church i go to, or those self-help christian books i have read, but because of this dude named Jesus.

so i have begun to put into practice what i read in the gospels. im trying to start loving people just for the sake of loving them. im so sick and tired of loving people with an agenda. i want to love people simply because Jesus created them and died for them and what they have to offer the world is so beautiful whether or not we share the same beliefs or not. im trying to help people out and not expect anything in return. and likewise, im trying to give sacrificially and not expect to be repaid. and this is not intentional or anything, but often when i see a handicapped or disabled person i start crying for them. not because i pity them, but because i know that is not how God intended for it to be, and it breaks His heart and it breaks mine too.

and in these small simple practices i have found an immeasurable amount of joy, happiness and fulfillment.

all my life i have struggled with the fact that i have two fathers who have seriously dropped the ball in showing me what a father's love should look like, which in turn has greatly affected my relationship with God, and my ability to love others. but slowly but surely God is going a doing whatever it takes to get me to understand. He took me half way around the world to show me how much he loved me by using these four little boys in africa, and he uses the people i work with and my friends to show me his love everyday. and im finally getting it. its finally sinking in. and the more i understand it and recieve it. the more i want to give it away to other people who need it.

and that is what i believe Jesus is all about. and that is what i will continue to do.

here we go kids

2005-11-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

so i never imagined it would be so hard to set up a blog. i spent a good hour staring at the screen last night trying to think of a good name for this thing, and the one i decided on, i realized that today i didnt like it. and i still dont like the one i currently have...so im probably going to change it again in the near future. thank goodness for that option. i dont know why i care so much, im really not a perfectionist, i swear.

and i must admit that im really nervous about writing all of my thoughts for the whole world to see. i mean i used to do it all the time on livejournal, but those werent important things as far as im concerned. i mean honestly, did anyone really care about what i did over the weekend, or what boy i had a crush on? probably not. and then a few years ago i had to deal with the whole livejournal scandal where some people thought it would be hilarious to create an account for the sole purpose of making a mockery of me and everything i believed in. which was sweet if that is your thing, but i wasnt to fond of it and so it makes me really nervous to open myself up like that again. but i am going to attempt it, and i will try to write about things that really matter to me and what goes on inside my brain and heart. lately ive been thinking about a lot of things, and kicking and screaming my way through some stuff and id really like to tell you (whoever you may be) about it so that you can offer me any insight, because most of the time i just talk myself in circles and never really make any progress, which i extremely frustrating. so yeah, comment away, and i hope you enjoy.

more to come.